


You're not alone

by AniManga__me



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mutsukis family is still alive in this story, Transsexual, Trauma, more characters will be added later, quinx squad - Freeform, sandbox love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-12-31 08:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12128040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniManga__me/pseuds/AniManga__me
Summary: Kuki and Tooru had been best friends since kindergarten. They befriended Ginshi when they started elementary school. But their last year of elementary school proofs to be more difficult than they had hoped it would be. While Tooru struggles with her gender identity and Kuki tries to help his friend to process a traumatic event he witnessed during the summer vacations, Ginshi seems to be developing his first crush on a transfer student named Saiko Yonebayashi, who decided that it might be easiest to cover her problems with a smile.Basically a story about the quinx squad meeting at a young age and helping each other to overcome their individual problems.Also, please don't kill me for using female pronouns for Mutsuki at first because the struggle with gender identity is part of the story.





	1. What Ginshi doesn't know

**Author's Note:**

> Based on my undying love for the quinx squad and me needing a high amount of fluff and friendship and angst and comfort in my stories recently.  
> I really do wonder what happened to Kukis Mom in the manga...  
> The part with the //[...]// is a flashback, I hope that isn't too confusing...  
> I'll admit I'm afraid of not doing the characters justice...  
> Okay, enough babbling on my side... The first chapter is mainly Mutsurie with a little bit of Shiraiko.

“Come on, go talk to her. She'll get scared if all you ever do is looking at her from a distance.”

  
Kuki Urie nudged Ginshi into his side.

His friend had been staring at the little girl with the blue hair and the pigtails that was sitting on one of the swings for a while now.

Ginshi’s face turned bright red.

  
“I don't want to. I mean, I do want to, but… You know how shy I am around girls.”, he said, looking away again.

  
“You're not shy around Tooru.”, Kuki replied with a shrug.

  
“Tooru isn't a girl.”, Ginshi joked, mostly referring to the way she usually dressed, unaware of the fact that there was a certain truth to what he was saying and that he was making her uncomfortable because of it.

  
Kuki grabbed Toorus hand, knowing she was having the same flashbacks he did because Ginshi said that.

They'd agreed to not tell him what happened yet, and he wouldn't try to push Tooru to tell Ginshi what he had been told.

Not before Tooru was ready to tell him.

Not before she had decided what she was going to do.

  
“You're not alone. It's okay.”, he whispered to her, giving his green haired friend a reassuring smile.

—

Tooru had been Kuki Uries best friend for what felt like forever.

They had first met in kindergarten after he had moved houses.

She’d always been shy and quiet, but there was something about her that had attracted him the moment he first saw her, and that still hadn't faded away.

She’d been there for him to comfort him when his dad died, had held him as he cried and had even attended the funeral with him.

He remembered holding her hand, squeezing it tight.

His dad had liked her.

  
"If any ghoul ever tries to hurt you, they'll have to kill me first.", he’d whispered with tears in his eyes, and she had forced herself to smile.

It wasn't until much later that he learned that someone was hurting her.

It just wasn't a ghoul.

  
They'd met Ginshi when starting elementary school, and the three of them had been friends ever since.

  
But there was something Ginshi didn't know.

Something that had happened before school started this year.

Something that still had Kuki waking up screaming in the middle of the night because the scene kept and kept replaying in his head.

 

//It was a sunny day.

The summer holidays had just started.

Kuki had gone to pick Tooru up for a movie they wanted to go see together.

They'd originally planned to meet in front of the cinema, but he decided he’d go pick her up early because he was eager to show her the new picture he had drawn for her.

When he rang the doorbell, he first realized that even though he knew where she lived, he’d never been there before.

They’d met at Kukis place and a Ginshis place and at the old playground… but never at her place.

He heard shouting inside, some really loud noises, then a boy opened up the door.

Kuki had seen him around his friend before, even though they had never talked to each other.

It was Toorus older brother.

And he looked terrified.

  
“You should leave.”, he said, but before he could say anything else, Kuki glanced inside to discover Tooru on the ground, coughing, her hair wet, her cheeks covered in bruises.

He rushed to her side.

  
“Tooru, what happened?”

  
She didn't reply, just looked at him fearfully, leaned against him and started crying.

Then, Kuki was getting grabbed by his collar and being dragged over to the sink which was filled with soap and water.

His head was pushed inside, held down so he couldn't breath.

  
“SO YOU’RE THE ONE MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN SCREWING AROUND WITH, HUH?!”

  
Water filled up his lungs and his eyes burnt.

  
“Daddy, please stop! I love you, you're the best, please stop! I’ll do anything, just please, please let him go! Stop hurting him!”, Tooru sobbed.

  
“Anything?”

  
“Anything!”

  
Kuki was half unconscious when her father finally let go of him.

He coughed up water and parts of his last meal, his eyes focused on the man that was closing in on Tooru, smiling brightly.

Every part of his body screamed as he moved, but he somehow managed to drag his body in front of her, facing him.

  
“Stay. Away. From. Her.”

—

The next thing he remembered was waking up in a hospital bed, his entire body aching, his mouth tasting like blood. His mom was sitting on a chair next to his bed.

  
“Thank god you're awake. I was was worried sick.”

  
“Where's Tooru?”

  
His mind was racing.

  
“She went home with her dad after they brought you here. The hospital called me, told me you were involved in some kind of accident. What happened?”

  
“I’ll involve him in some kind of accident.”, Kuki scowled, panic filling his chest. “We have to go save Tooru.”

  
“What do you mean by that?”

  
“I mean that I wasn't in an accident. I just… I walked in on her dad beating her up.”

  
“What?!”

  
“Who knows what he might do to her now that I know! He might have killed me if he hadn't been so sure that no one would believe a little boy!”

  
“Okay, that's it, I’m calling the police.”

  
“But what if he hurts Tooru because of it? What if-”

  
“Don't worry about that. I’m going to drive there and pick her up. He won't get to hurt her more than he already did.”

  
“I’ll… come with you.”

He bit his lip when he sat up and tried not to scream.

His upper body felt like it was on fire.

  
“You're hurt. You should stay in bed."

  
Kuki couldn't care less about his own injuries.

  
“I just want Tooru to be okay…”

  
He felt sick to the stomach.

He had seen bruises on Tooru before, but she always told him she fell, and he had believed her.

  
"(I could've stopped this earlier. I'm sorry. Please be okay.)"

  
His mom pulled her desperate son to her chest and rubbed his back.

  
“I’ll make sure she will be.”

 

And she had been okay, or at least as "okay" as anyone could be after experiencing something like that.

Her father ended up in jail for what he did to her.

Tooru and her brother were taken away from their mother and put into a children's home.

For the first couple of days, Kukis mother had allowed her to sleep at their place because in her opinion, what Tooru needed most were love and friendly faces.

  
He had held her when she cried, sat awake with her night after night so she didn't have to go to sleep and have nightmares.

He could never go back in time to prevent these things from happening, but he wanted her to know that she wasn't alone, that he was there for her, would always be there for her, no matter what.

  
She'd told him told him the evening before school started.

They had been sitting on his bed in silence for a while. He’d been drawing, and she was watching him.

  
“I don't feel comfortable in the body I was born in. I… I hate the way people look at me. What… what would you think of me if I told you I don't want to be a girl? That I hate to be one?”

  
“I don't care what you are. Boy, girl… You're my best friend and I’ll always love you, no matter what. I just want you to be happy.”//

— 

“Earth to Kuki Urie? If you're done daydreaming about Tooru, I really need your help.”

  
“Help with what exactly?”, Kuki mumbled, letting go of Toorus hand, trying to hide the fact that he was blushing. “If you're trying to scare her away, you're doing a pretty good job.”

  
His green haired best friend giggled a bit.

  
“That's not funny!”, Ginshi complained, still not stopping to look at the girl on the swing.

  
The purple haired boy rolled eyes.

  
“The breaks have been like this ever since school started two weeks ago. And you’re always staring at her during classes, too. This is getting ridiculous. Just go talk to her already. She might end up making other friends if you don't. You're lucky she just transferred here, just imagine how many years you would take to work up the courage to talk to her if she was surrounded by a bunch of friends…”

  
“I’m sorry, I just… I… I’m afraid of not making a good first impression.”

  
“Don't worry, that ship sailed a long time ago, namely when you literally fell out of your chair the moment she entered the classroom.”

  
Kuki tried not to laugh while his friend looked at him, even more discouraged now.

  
“Oh god, I forgot that happened, this is super awkward, she probably thinks I’m weird…”

  
“Kuki, you’re making him nervous instead of calming him down.”, Tooru said, patting Ginshis head. “I’m sure she doesn't even remember that happened.”

  
“But what if she does?”

  
“Okay, that's it, I can't take more of you trying and failing to work up the courage to talk to her. I’ll go talk to her.”, Kuki groaned and was just about to make his way over to her when the bell rang, reminding them that they had to get back to their classroom.

  
Ginshi sighed, a mixture of relief and disappointment washing over him as they followed the other pupils back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Ginshi thinks about Saiko, Shiraiko has their first talk and Saiko is hurting.


	2. If you don’t want to listen, find out the hard way

Kuki didn’t really understand what his friend saw in the blue haired girl.

In class, Ginshi kind of didn't have a choice but stare at her since she was sitting right in front of him, but what made him want to get to know her so badly?

The only exciting thing that seemed kind of exciting about her from Kukis point of view was that she was new, and the fact that she still hadn't made any friends made him a little curious.

  
“(Has she ever written down anything at all?)”

  
The girl always had her notebook in front of her, but as far as he could tell from where he was sitting, she wasn’t writing but drawing.

  
Kuki ultimately decided that the question could be answered another time and went back to focusing on what the teacher was saying.

—

Ginshi, on the other hand, didn't hear a word of what the teacher was saying.

He was completely lost in thought, trying to look at the girl in front of him without her realizing he was staring at her.

Not that it was hard.

She always seemed kind of preoccupied with her thoughts to him, silently smiling to herself. But there was something… off about her smile.

Off about her.

Something that felt wrong to him.

She wasn’t very focused on the lessons, either.

He’d been able to glance at her notebook once, she seemed to enjoy drawing a lot - and was anything but bad at it.

She always smiled at everyone, but when the others tried to start a conversation, she broke it off pretty quickly.

  
“(Are you deliberately trying to not make friends? Or are you just shy?)”

  
That was the exact reason why Ginshi tried to find the perfect words to say to her before talking to her.

He didn’t know what the others had done wrong, but he wasn’t willing to take any risks.

Maybe it was just him being shy, but he felt that there was something special about her.

He didn’t want to mess up the one chance he had with her.

He wanted to help her.

The way she smiled was familiar to him.

  
“(No one smiles all the time. People get angry, too. They cry, they shout, they laugh. But all you ever do is smile. I like your smile, but something isn’t right about it. The last person that smiled at me like that was dad, after mom left. You’re not happy. But you want to make everyone else believe you are.)”

 

 

“And now I want you to find yourself a partner so you can do the task together.”, the teacher said, handing out worksheets, interrupting Ginshis thoughts.

He sighed.

  
The boy hated that kind of exercise because Tooru and Kuki always teamed up and he ended up alone, or working with the teacher, which was the more awkward variety, especially if he hadn’t been paying attention to what the task was.

At least, that was the way it always had been because there was an uneven number of students in his class.

But now that Saiko had transferred, the number of students in class was even, which meant he would have a partner, whether he liked it or not.

  
“Ginshi, would you mind working with Saiko today? She hasn’t really immersed herself in class yet, and since you’re such an outgoing, cheerful person, I thought you might be able to help her.”, the teacher asked, giving him a friendly smile.

  
“(Outgoing? Me? Yeah, right.)”

  
He got along better with the other guys than Tooru and Kuki did, mostly because ‘extremely shy’ was an understatement for Tooru and Kuki was too preoccupied with being with Tooru and with learning to play soccer with the other boys.

Ginshi did join in at times, but he wasn’t really friends with these guys.

The teacher just didn’t seem to get that.

  
“(I’m just a replacement player for them when one of them gets sick. I haven’t been alone during partner work for all these years because everyone loves me so much, you know.)”

  
But Ginshi just stayed quiet, got up and sat down in the empty chair next to the girl with the blue hair.

  
He reached out his hand.

  
“Hi, I’m Ginshi. I guess we’ll be stuck working with one another for now.”

  
“Saiko.”, she said and took his hand. “Aren't you the guy that fell off his chair on my first day?”

  
Ginshis face turned scarlet.

  
“N-no.”

  
“It was you. You were rocking your chair backwards and forwards, and then the chair fell backwards and you landed on your back. The entire class was staring at you.”

  
“Well, now that you mention it… (So she does remember it. This conversation got extremely embarrassing really quickly.)”, he thought, but the next thing she said took him by surprise.

  
“Thank you.”

She smiled at him.

  
“Uh… Did I just hear that correctly?”

  
“Thanks to you they stopped staring at me for a few seconds. It made me feel less uncomfortable. I was afraid they were going to ask questions I don’t want to answer…”, she mumbled, playing with her hair. ”You kinda rescued me there.”

  
“You’re welcome. I can do it again if you want me to.”, Ginshi joked.

  
Saiko laughed.

  
“Please don't.”

  
There was a moment of silence between them before he began to speak again.

  
“I’m a little bit embarrassed about this, but I have no idea what the task is. I wasn’t listening.”, the boy admitted without looking at her.

  
She shrugged.

  
“I wasn’t listening, either. But I guess we could just read what is written on the worksheet, right?”, she suggested.

  
“Right.”

  
“(You’re trying to cut the conversation short, aren’t you? But why?)”

  
He took a look at the worksheet the teacher had given to him and skimmed the text.

  
“Looks like we’re supposed to read those texts, then summarize them and tell the class what they’re about.”, the boy concluded, rolling his eyes. “That’s boring.”

  
She nodded.

  
“It is. Whatever. We don’t exactly have a choice, do we?”

  
“(I like the way your voice sounds. I kinda like it that you’re able to get annoyed, too. I might be able to find out what you’re all about eventually.)”

—

At the end of the lesson, they were done reading the texts, but hadn’t even started summarizing them yet because they spend half of the time they were supposed to be working on making crappy drawings on her notebook.

Or, at least he was making crappy drawings, because hers were pretty good and his weren’t good at all, and looked even worse in comparison.

  
When the bell rang, she was smiling. This smile was a genuine one, nothing like the ones he had seen on her before.

  
“(I like your real smile better than your fake one.)”

  
Since the last lesson was over now, he got up and back to his place to pack his bag.

Kuki tapped his shoulder.

  
“So, how did it go? Was it really worth being all nervous about your first conversation?”  
“It was… fine, I guess.”, Ginshi replied, beaming. “But the work didn’t go all too well.”

  
Tooru laughed a little.

  
“Told you so.”, she said, eying Kuki, who rolled eyes.

  
“We made bets whether or not you would mess it up. Tooru had more faith in you than I did.”, he explained. “The entire thing was her idea, so she really hoped it would go well.”

  
“You told the teacher to team us up?”

  
“Well, they say if you don’t want to listen, find out the hard way.”, Kuki replied and grinned, picking up his bag. “I have to go, my mom will probably already be wondering where we are. Could you hurry up a little?”

  
“Sorry. Is Tooru going home with you again?”, Ginshi asked as he threw his pencil case into his bag and shouldered it.

Both of them nodded.

“I swear, she’s practically living at your place at this point.”

—

Saiko watched the three friends as they walked out the door, down the stairs.

She was the last one to leave the classroom, and was definitely not in a hurry.

Leaving the building would mean watching other kids getting embraced by loving parents and siblings.

She didn’t want to see that.

Thinking of it created a lump in her throat, so big, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

She fought back the tears.

Fooling around with Ginshi had made her feel better for a while, but it couldn’t make her forget that every friend she made would be taken away from her by the end of the year.

  
The way home would drag on today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Three different kinds of welcome home.


	3. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it’s never explicitly mentioned in the manga whether Saiko’s brother is older or younger, I decided to make him a year older than her. I hope you don’t mind.

“I’m home.”

Ginshi put his bag down, took off his shoes and jacket before he entered the living room.

“Did dad leave already?”

  
“Yup. He made lunch before he left and told me to tell you that he loves you.”

Haru was lying on the couch upside down, smiling up at her brother as he entered.

“Missed ya. How was school?”

  
“Missed you, too, little one.”, he replied, pulling her up and then patting her head.

She rolled eyes.

  
“I’m not that small. One day, I'll grow taller than you, you’ll see.”

  
“Oh, I’d love to see you try.”, he joked. “Want me to warm up the food for you, or did you eat already?”

  
“No, I don't want you to blow up my food. Or the microwave. Not again. Which is precisely why I asked dad to make food right before he left. It's still warm.”

  
“That only happened once, can you stop reminding me every day?”, he groaned, but she just laughed at him.

  
“Ginshi, don't think I didn't notice you dodging my question. How was school?”

  
“I could ask you the same thing. Lucky you got back early.”

  
“I asked you first.”, she complained. “Please? I just wanna know why my brother is grinning like an idiot.”

  
“I… it's just… let’s eat first, okay?”, he suggested, changing the topic once again.

  
His sister laughed, then got up and entered the kitchen to pick up two bowls and placed them on the table.

  
“Will you go get the pot, or do I have to do that, too? Dad made soup, and I know you burnt yourself with hot water last time.”, she teased.

  
Ginshi groaned but got up to get the pot, then returned to the kitchen to get two glasses for them to drink out of.

  
“Haru, with all the love I have for you, could you stop the ‘my brother is an idiot’-jokes for a second?”

  
“Sure, I could… but where's the fun in that?”

She smiled at him.

“Besides, it can't be that bad, since you're still grinning. Will you tell me what happened at school? Please? Please? Please?”, she begged as she ladled soup into her bowl, then into his.

He started eating in silence, but she kept poking him.

“Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

  
“Haru, stop it, will you?”

  
“Not until you tell me what happened.”

  
He took another spoonful of soup, swallowed, then nodded.

  
“Alright. I’ll tell you.”

  
She beamed.

  
“Yassss.”

  
“So… there is this girl in my class…. Tooru and Kuki kind of forced me to talk to her, and I managed to make her smile. I like the way she smiles…”, he sighed, his thoughts straying a bit.

  
“Aw, big brother has a crush.”, Haru said, punching him in the arm.

  
“I do not–it's not like that, I-I just-”

  
“Yes it is.”

  
“No it's not!”

  
“Yes it is.”

  
“You don't even know how to spell that word yet!”

  
“Yes, I do. It's C-R-U-S-H. Crush. And you totally have one.”

  
“I do not.”

  
“Continue arguing with me and your soup will get cold.”

  
“Okay, okay, you're right.”

  
“I knew it!”

  
He raised his hands in defense.

  
“I meant you're right about the soup thing! Not about the crush thing!”

  
He took another spoonful of soup.

  
“Sooo…. What’s her name?”

  
“It's Saiko.”

  
“You smiled while saying it!”

  
“I did not.”

  
“Yes you did.”

  
“I did not.”

  
“Okay. Say it again without smiling.”

  
“I will.”, he agreed, but emptied his bowl before starting. “Saiko.”

  
“You smiled again.”, she said, triumphant.

  
He rolled eyes.

  
“No fair. It's impossible to say an ‘A’ without smiling slightly.”

  
“So you admit you smiled?”, Haru said sheepishly.

  
Her brother groaned.

  
“Go to hell.”

  
“Love you, too.” She laughed. “So… when will I get to meet her? Please tell me you're inviting her to your birthday party.”

  
“Haru, slow down, will you? I just talked to her for the first time. I can't really be in love with her yet, I barely even know her… I mean, sure, she's pretty, but–she just moved here. And she's either super shy or unwilling to make friends… at the moment I think it is the latter…”

  
“But you still have a lot of time before your birthday. You could-”

  
“Haru, please stop.”

  
She sighed.

  
“Sorry, I get it, it's just… I really like seeing you happy. And if she makes you happy, I want you to keep her around. I miss the days dad smiled like that. I think he misses mom. So do I…”

  
Ginshi pulled his sister into a hug.

  
“I know you do, little one. I’ll keep smiling for you, okay? (Mom, why did you leave?) And dad still has both of us.”

  
He fought back his tears.

  
“What would dad do if something happened to one of us?”, Haru asked, lowering her head.

  
Ginshi looked away, but kept on holding her close. Frankly speaking, he didn't want to think about it.

—

“(Saiko’s having a hard time. I just wanna find out what's wrong with her. I wanna help her.)”, Ginshi thought as he sat down at his desk to do his homework half an hour later. Haru had gone to her room to do hers as well. “Saiko. Saiko.”, he repeated, still trying not to smile while saying it, but failed. “Damn it. (Okay, maybe I do like her a little.)”

—

“I’m back.”

Saiko didn't really think she'd get a reply.

She never did, but that didn't keep her from trying.

Her stomach rumbled.

She didn't want to go into the living room to ask her mom for food because she knew exactly how well that would go, so she went to her room instead.

Yesterday, when she had asked her mom for food, she'd been given leftovers from her mother’s lunch.

They’d smelled funny, and tasted even funnier.

Her tummy had been hurting all evening and she spend half an hour hunched over the toilet.

“(Food’s expensive. You ungrateful brat take and take and take and never give anything back. I’ve got better things to spend my money on than you. Take the leftovers or go to bed hungry.)”, her mother's uncaring voice repeated in her head.

“(I guess I’ll go to bed hungry, then. I don’t like that you put alcohol in food. I don't wanna throw up again.)”

  
If her brother had still been there, he might have had a bag of sweets waiting for her on her pillow to cheer her up. He’d done just that when their mother had told them they wouldn't get to live with their father anymore.

He’d asked his friends to bring some sweets to school, and then gave her the ones he pretended he didn't like, which just happened to be the ones she liked best.

But he wasn't there anymore.

She missed him.

“(You’ve only been gone for a few weeks and I already feel like I'm going insane because of the loneliness. How am I going to last an entire year without you?)”

He hadn't send her a single letter from where their mother had send him.

“(Have you forgotten about me already? You promised you’d write to me. But I'm not important to you, either, am I?)”

  
She dropped her bag, picked up her gameboy and curled up in her bed.

The games, along with a couple of mangas, were the few good things she had in her life. Her dad had bought them for her.

Her actual dad… not the guy that her mom was currently with.

  
“(You never loved us. You just took us with you because you want to hurt daddy. And now my brother’s gone, and I'm all alone.)”

  
She hated being alone.

At times like these, she wanted to disappear, so she did just that.

She put on her headphones and concentrated on the world of the game on her tiny little monitor.

That was her happy place.

The one thing neither her mom nor the cruel world could take away from her.

—

“How was school?”, Kuki’s mom asked when they got out of the car.

  
Tooru’s head had been placed on Kuki’s shoulder during the entire ride home.

Kuki was worried about his friend because she always seemed tired ever since they’d gotten back to school.

  
“(Do you have nightmares? Do you dream about your dad often? I’m sorry that I can't come to the children's home with you. I want to be there for you.)”

He grabbed her hand, his eyes locking on the scar on her neck.

“(How could I have been that blind?)”

He still remembered the first time Tooru had come home with him in kindergarten.

His mom had picked him up, and he had begged her to take Tooru with them.

She had told him to wait for Tooru’s parents to ask them.

When her dad had arrived, Tooru had ducked behind Kuki. It was all so clear in his mind now that he knew.

“(How did I not notice something was wrong back then? I'm sorry. I should have saved you earlier.)”

He looked at her guiltily, but she was smiling, happily squeezing his hand.

“(Your smile is so beautiful. I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again.)”

  
“School was okay, Miss Urie. I'm a little bit afraid of the class tests we’ll write soon, but other than that, it was fine.”, the girl stated.

  
“You're such a polite little angel, Tooru.”

  
The woman smiled at her.

  
“Can I help you with the cooking?”, the girl asked as they entered the house. “(This place is my home more than my actual home ever was.)”

  
“You don't have to, sweetheart.”

  
“I want to help. I like cooking.”, Tooru declared, smiling.

  
“In that case, I’ll happily accept your offer. Kuki, sweetie, you don't want to help, do you? Contrary to your talented friend, you can't tell the difference between sugar and salt.”, his mother teased, and he laughed.

  
Tooru smiled at him.

  
“I only learned to cook because you taught me to, Miss Urie. If I could learn, so can he.”

Tooru’d been helping out with the cooking for years now, but Kuki’s mother still told her she didn't have to do it every time.

  
Kuki shook his head.

  
“Some other time, okay? I don't wanna ruin the food today, you look really hungry. (Also, I kind of like watching you cook. You always look happy when you do. You deserve a better family than the one you were born into, and even if I can't change the past… I can at least try to be a part of the family you deserve. I want you to feel loved.)”

  
“Okay. It's up to you, so no pressure, but I would like to cook something with you someday.”

  
“I guess I could try, but if it ends up tasting terrible, I get to say ‘I told you so’.”, he joked.

  
Tooru laughed.

  
“(Thank you for letting me be here almost every day. Thanks for accepting me the way I am.)”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Tooru can’t sleep and Saiko doesn’t want to make friends.


	4. You can’t keep me from trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t cope with what happened in today’s chapter of Tokyo Ghoul very well. And what happens if I can’t cope? I end up writing more angst and fluff.

When Tooru tried to sleep that evening, she couldn't.

She hated the children's home, she hated being alone in a room that was meant for three people.

The people in charge decided to let her stay in the room right underneath the roof all alone so she could get used to what it was like to live here before making contact with the other children that might ask questions that made her uncomfortable.

They meant well, but she hated sleeping up here.

She hated being alone in a room this huge, she hated having to stare at the wooden ceiling all night because she couldn't fall asleep.

And it seemed to be getting worse every day.

  
Every evening, she lay awake for hours because she felt alone and empty and felt like the darkness around her crept into her soul and crushed her.

She's never really felt home or safe at any of the places she had lived so far.

Not with her parents, and not here.

Not even in her own body.

She still woke up screaming when remembering what her father had done to her, but tried to make herself believe that it was over.

“(It's okay. I'm safe here. He won't hurt me anymore.)”

Her nails dug into the blanket, in desperate need to cling to something.

She didn't feel safe here, either.

Her brother had been put into another room.

He had been accepted by the other kids quite quickly, and it hurt Tooru to watch them eat together and laugh together and play together while she was always alone, which was yet another reason why she loved being at Kuki's place so much.

Because she didn't have to see her brother.

She had a hard time facing him, because even though he knew what her father did to her, he never tried to help her.

All he did was watching it happen.

“(Dad never hurt you. You have no idea what I went through. No one does…)”

She wanted to scream, to cry, but she couldn't, because her mouth was dry and her heart was black and empty.

“(Dad, why didn't you love me? Or did you love me, and not love him?)”

She was not sure what love really was all about, but if what her father had done to her had been done out of love, she she didn't want to be loved ever again - or love anyone ever again, for that matter.

Tooru wondered why night time made being happy so much more difficult.

Maybe it was because the shadows outside the window made everything seem more creepy.

Maybe it was because she constantly heard noises and couldn't explain where they're coming from because everyone was supposed to be asleep.

“(It's not dad. It can't be dad.)”, she thought, desperately trying to calm herself down.

She wanted to switch the lights back on, but she wasn't allowed to.

She couldn't go talk to anyone, none of these strangers would ever be able to help her.

Sometimes, she wondered if anyone actually could.

She missed the time during vacations when she was allowed to sleep at Kuki’s place.

Back there, back in his arms, she had felt safe for the first time in her entire life.

When she finally fell asleep, it's thanks to her being able to pretend the rolled-up blanket in her arms is Kuki and that he’ll protect her.

—

When she arrived at school the next morning, the bags under her eyes were larger and darker than before. Kuki looked worried when he spotted her.

  
“You look tired. (Please tell me why you can't sleep. I'm worried, and I can't handle seeing you unhappy.)”

  
More than anything, she wanted to sink against his chest and cry while he held her and told her that he’d be there for her, no matter what.

She wanted to tell him about her nightmares, about the fact that she felt lonely and lost and was afraid to go to sleep.

She wanted to tell him about what the adults at the children's home wanted her to do, and that she was afraid of it… but she didn't want him to worry.

  
“It's okay. I just… I don't exactly like sleeping at the children’s home. I just can't get used to it.” That was at least part of the truth. “(I don’t want to get used to it, either. I just want to get away from there. I miss sleeping at your place.)”

  
She forced herself to smile at him tiredly, but he didn't buy it.

  
“(It's okay if I can't be the person you talk to, but please, talk to someone. I don't want you to feel alone. You're not.)” He pulled an arm around her shoulder. “I… if there's anything I can do to help you, or cheer you up, let me know, okay? We… we could practice for the class tests you're worried about together if you wanted to. (I wouldn't mind if you fell asleep during that, either. You look cute when you're asleep.)”

  
“Thanks, I… I’ll think about it, okay?”

  
Tooru yawned.

This time, she didn't have to force herself to smile.

 

“(Is Ginshi really so focused on Saiko that he doesn't realize something is wrong with Tooru? Would Tooru open up to him if she could?) Come on, we should get going, unless we want to be late for class.”, Kuki said, grabbing his best friend's hand, then slowly started walking towards the school building.

—

Saiko wasn't focused during class at all.

The only time she raised her arm was when the teacher asked who didn't do their homework.

She could feel the glares of her classmates in her back.

  
“I like her. She's so dumb, I look even smarter than I already am.”, one of the girls to her left said, and Saiko smiled even brighter, trying to hide the fact that she was falling apart on the inside.

  
“(I want to disappear. But I can't.)”

Not having her gameboy with her always made everything worse.

She’d never been good at coping with comments like these, but now that she was alone, it was worse.

“(I don’t have a choice but to be alone, do I? I don't want to lose anyone when mom sends me away, so I can't make friends here.)”

She focused on her notebook again, tears running down her face.

“(I miss my friends. I miss home. I miss dad.)”

—

Ginshi growled at the comment Natsumi made about Saiko.

He had never liked the girl a lot because she tended to always make fun of others’ flaws, but he had never wanted to punch anyone in the face as much as he wanted to punch her right now.

“(Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Leave her alone.)”

  
He hated that those people never said anything to your face, but instead talked about you behind your back, just loud enough for you to hear.

—

When the bell rang to announce the break, he walked up to Saiko and placed a hand on her shoulder.

  
“Don't listen to her. She's just being mean because she's insecure.”

  
Saiko didn't lift her head.

  
“Ginshi, leave me alone.”, she muttered. “We’re not friends. You don't need to comfort me. I don't want you to.”

  
“(What is it you keep beating yourself up about? Why do you think pushing everyone away is the best solution for whatever problem it is you're having?) So what if we’re not friends? You're my working partner. I don't want you to be insulted. (And I don't want you to be unhappy, either.)”

  
“Ginshi, I mean it. Leave me alone.” She was still staring at her table, not willing to look him in the eyes. “(You're so caring and sweet and if you see I cried you’ll try to help me, but little do you know how much you would hurt me in the end by doing so.)”

  
“Have you eaten yet?”, he asked softly. “(Sorry, you won't get rid of me that easily.)”

  
“(Thanks for reminding me that I'm hungry.) I didn't bring anything. I'm not hungry, either.”

  
Her stomach rumbled.

  
“Not hungry, huh?” He chuckled. “My sister insisted on making food for both of us to take to school in the morning, and she overdid it a little. I have a spare sandwich, if you're interested.”, Ginshi suggested and smiled at her.

  
“Thanks, but no thanks.”, she replied. “(Damn it, that’s harder than I thought it would be.)”

  
“You sure?”

  
He placed the box in front of her and opened it up. Her stomach started rumbling again.

  
“(Damn, I wish I wasn't that hungry.)”

  
“Come on, take it.”, he said, and this time she couldn't resist.

  
She let out a sigh when she took the first bite.

  
“(This actually tastes like food.)”

It felt like an eternity since she'd eaten anything that good.

“(Someone actually put effort into making this.)”

It was nothing but a simple sandwich, but these days she would kill for her mother to make something like that for her.

She tried to eat slowly so she could enjoy every bite of it, but failed miserably because she was so hungry.

  
“Wow, okay, someone’s really hungry.”, Ginshi laughed. “You can have the other one, too, if you want to.”

  
Her eyes widened un surprise, and she looked up at him now.

  
“But… that's your food. Your sister made that for you, not for me. I can't just eat it. You don't have to-”

  
“I want to give it to you. I can't imagine she’ll be mad at me for giving it to you. (But she’ll probably tease me about it for the rest of my life.)”

  
“So… you sure?”

  
“I am sure. I wasn't that hungry to begin with.”

He gave her a toothy grin and she smiled a little.

“(There it is again. Your real smile. The one that makes my heart flutter in my chest.)”

  
“We’re still not friends.”, Saiko mumbled while taking the second sandwich out of the box.

  
“We’re working partners. You can have my food because you won't be able to focus on what we're working on when you're hungry. (Now that I think about it… you never brought food to school before. I wonder what that's all about.) Do you want me to bring something for you, tomorrow, too? (If you don't want to talk about why you don't bring any food yourself, that's fine. You don't have to. I won't force you to be my friend, either. But you can't keep me from trying to be yours.)”

  
She hesitated for a second, then a smile spread across her face.

Another real smile.

  
“I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Tooru and Kuki spend more time together and Haru tells her brother to ask Saiko out.


	5. A small step forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fixed the catastrophe that was me trying to format this story, I’m still not used to this website, this is kind of new to me, so apologies to everyone that had to read this in blocks.
> 
> This takes place on Friday, two weeks after the previous chapter.
> 
> —

“Tooru? You okay? Do you want to take a break?”

They has been studying for the past two hours, ever since they’d finished doing their homework for Monday.

Now the girl with the green hair looked even more tired than she had before, and she was hardly able to focus, constantly fumbling with her shirt.

“I could ask mom to make us some sandwiches and hot chocolate if you want to.”

  
“No, I… I mean, that sounds great, but… It's not the studying that's bothering me.”

She yawned.

“(Come on, you decided you want to tell him. He’ll listen, and he’ll understand.)”, she told herself, trying to pull herself together.

It was harder than she had hoped it would be.

“(I wish I wasn't this tired…) So, uhm… first of all, I want to say thank you for helping me study… it's a lot more fun than it is to study alone.”

She smiled shyly.

  
“Thanks. I enjoy studying with you, too.”

He was too worried to give her a smile.

“(Are you okay? Why are you this nervous? What’s wrong?)”

  
“Kuki, I… there's something I’ve been thinking about telling you for a couple of days now. I’m nervous because I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me. Not because I don't trust you, but because I consider myself weird for it.”

  
“(You're opening up to me? Without me having to talk you into doing it?)”

He was a bit surprised by that.

“(Why all of a sudden?) I won't think any less of you, no matter what you say now.”

  
“I just… it's kind of silly, really, but…”

Tooru bit her lip.

“The people in charge of me at the children's home want me to receive a therapy.”

  
Kuki's eyes widened.

  
“B-because of your gender struggles? But that's your decision, not theirs, and-”

  
He clenched his fists.

She looked at him a little surprised.

  
“No, not that. They don't know about that yet… (You’re the only one who knows. Because I trust you.) They want me to do a therapy because of what happened to me, starting next Thursday, and I-”

Her head pressed against his chest.

Her entire body was shaking.

He pulled his arms around her.

“I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid I can't do it, that they'll tell me I’m irredeemably crazy or that I deserved it, and I’m afraid of reliving these memories. It's difficult enough to try to let go as it is, I… I'm afraid my nightmares will get worse, and…”

  
The rest of the sentence was swallowed by her sobs.

Kuki hated to see her cry, more than anything.

He felt his heart sting with every single tear she cried. But he wanted to be there for her.

  
“It’s okay. (I’ll be your shoulder to cry on if that's what you need.) I’m here.”

He rubbed her back.

“And it's not silly. I’d be scared, too. And if someone tells you you deserved what happened to you, I’m going to join you and punch them in the face.”

  
“I’d like that.”

She smiled slightly.

“Not the ‘punching someone in the face’-part, but… could you do that? Go with me? I… I feel like maybe I could do it if I had you by my side. Maybe I would be a little less scared.”

  
“I… I could do that, if they'd allow me to. But are you sure that's okay for you? Sharing all of what happened with me?”

  
“You make me feel save and loved and there's no one else I would rather have by my side.”

She snuggled against his chest, and he held her, and for a moment, she thought how maybe, just maybe, it would be okay to do this.

—

“So you’re regularly eating together now?”, Haru asked as she sat down next to her brother to eat.

  
“We’ve only been doing that for two weeks, I wouldn't call that regular.”

  
“Well, I would call it regular. You even asked dad to get you a specific kind of sweets last weekend, and you never did that before.”

  
“Why do I always have to have this kind of conversation with you right after I get home?”, Ginshi mumbled, sighing. “Before you annoy me any further, do you want me to fill up your plate?”

  
She smiled.

  
“Yes please.”

  
He put some rice and vegetables on her plate and handed it back to her before he got to his own plate.

Their father wasn't home now, either.

For some reason, he decided to work in the afternoon rather than in the morning because he was afraid of something happening to them while they were at school and wanted to be home in case something did happen.

They’d been struggling with money a bit ever since their mom left, and this way he was able to take care of them when one of them got sick until the other returned home without having to take a day off.

They were usually already asleep by the time he got home.

He also worked full time on Saturdays, the only day he took off being Sunday.

He’d tried to explain to his kids what exactly it was he was doing at work, but the explanations had included a lot of complicated words, so the siblings kept forgetting what his job was.

  
“So… if you tell me how your day was first, you’ll get to ask a Saiko-related question, okay?”

  
“Two questions.”

  
“One.”

  
“Three.”

  
“That's not how negotiations work, Haru.”

  
“Three.”

  
“Ugh. Listen, I’ll make a suggestion. You only get to ask one question, but I have to answer it truthfully and right away, and am not allowed to change the topic.”

  
Haru grinned.

  
“Okay, deal.”

  
“(I’m going to regret this…)”

  
“My day was pretty good, I guess, except for the homework we got, but I’ll do that tomorrow because it's kind of a lot and I really don't want to do it now.”

  
He patted her head and laughed.

  
“That proofs that we're related, and that I’m a bad influence on you. Go on. And, while you're at it, maybe drink something. The bottle you took to school with you looks like you haven't even opened the lid yet. That's not healthy. I don't want you to get sick.”

  
She rolled eyes.

  
“You're annoying.”, Haru muttered, but grabbed the bottle anyways, emptying it right away.

“Happy now?”

  
“Yes. Now you can go on with telling me about your day.”

  
“There's not much more for me to tell you, except for the fact that I played tag with a couple of friends during break. I fell and scraped my knee a bit, and it hurt at first, but it’s fine now.”

  
“Let me take a look at it.”

  
She rolled her eyes again.

  
“Don't be ridiculous. It's fine, really. Nothing but a scratch.”

  
“I just want to make sure you're okay. I worry about you, you know.”

  
“You don't have to treat me like a baby, you know. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

  
He sighed.

  
“For a big brother, it's hard to accept that he isn't allowed to take care of his little sister anymore because she decides that she can take care of herself now that she's eight.”

She laughed. 

  
“So, now that I told you what my day was like, I’m asking you to take Saiko out.”

  
“That's not a question.”

  
“So?” She grinned. “Come on. I know you want to spend more time with her. You smile more often than you did back when she wasn't around. You can ask her out in a friendly way, too. Maybe… take her to the cinema, or something?”

  
“I… I will think about it, okay? She's not trying to make friends, and I’m worried I might scare her away if I ask her something like that.”

  
“She could always disagree if it would make her uncomfortable, you know.”

  
“I guess… I did say I’m thinking about it, okay?”

  
Haru smiled.

  
“You better be thinking about how you’ll get her to say yes, not if you’ll do it.”  
He rolled his eyes at her.

  
“At times, you're really annoying, little one. (And I wouldn't want to have you any other way.)”

—

Kuki was glad his mom allowed Tooru to stay overnight on weekends.

After she had calmed down a little, they had decided to stop studying for the time being and had spend the rest of the afternoon painting together.

He was slowly getting kind of good at it, and he enjoyed doing it with Tooru because she always smiled when they did it together.

Them painting on the same canvas often ended up looking a bit weird, but there was no doubt that the pictures had something unique to them.

  
“I want you to take it with you when you go back to the children's home, so you have something to look at when you go to sleep.”, he suggested as they started cleaning their paint brushes.

His hands were all yellow, purple and orange afterwards, while hers were covered in a weird combination of black, light blue and red.

She felt a lot better now.

  
“What are we going to call that thing? Just by looking at it, I'd say ‘our colorful mess’ sounds like a fitting name.”, she joked.

  
He took a long look at the picture that would need a whole while to dry.

It was a messy whirl of colors that got darker the closer you got to it's center.

  
“Sounds fine to me. It's your picture, so it will be named whatever you choose to name it.”, he said, still trying to get the paint off of his fingers.

  
“Try soap, maybe?”, she suggested.

  
“Whoops. I knew there was something I forgot.”

  
“Here, let me help you.”

  
She grabbed his hands with her soapy ones, carefully washing the paint off his fingers and palms.

He smiled, trying to memorize the weird, warm feeling her touching his hands like this gave him. He was almost disappointed when she let go of his now clean hands, considering whether to ‘accidentally’ color them again.

  
“(Can’t we just stay this way?)”

He sighed as he put the brushes away.

“So… What do you want to do now? We could watch a movie if you want to, but I’d be okay with going to bed, too, if you're tired.”

  
“Both options sound fine to me.”, Tooru replied, yawning again.

  
“Sounds like we’re going to sleep, huh?”

Kuki's mother had placed a mattress for Tooru to sleep on next to his bed, well aware that no one would use it.

  
“(Just in case you eventually get tired of sleeping next to my son one day.)”, she remembered her saying back during the summer vacations.

“I don’t think that's possible, but thank you.”, Tooru mumbled, snuggling into the warm arms of her already sleeping friend.

Real Kuki was a thousand times better than her pillow, not that that had ever been in question.

She felt like as long as he was holding her, her demons couldn't hurt her, and neither could her father.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how long this story will be in the end, I guess I'll just wait and see if anyone likes the idea at first and then update whenever I feel like it. I might or might not take suggestions, not sure about that yet.
> 
> Hope you like it!


End file.
